I’m not sure I’ve ever panicked. I take that back, I can think of once when I was 18 when I panicked (There you go John, I figure I’d head you off). There have been only two times in my life I can think of when I’ve been nearly shut down. Once when I lost a friend, another when I lost my wife. This past week I got into a wreck. My back is still killing me, but my truck is surprisingly (mostly) unharmed. As my tires came out from under me I said to myself calmly, “Well, this is going to happen.” I popped it into 4 and snapped myself into the rail preventing me from hitting head on.
Why do I bring this up? Even though in many circumstances it’s been helpful, I think the fact that I’ve never panicked might be a problem.
The first time we took incoming in Iraq when everyone was taking cover, I sat on the top of the truck thinking, “Oooooh, pretty.” In other words, I’m an idiot. When my marriage was falling apart I am not sure I realized the situation was dire or that there was even really a problem. When people stress out over going to court and thus overprepare out of fear of the judge, all I can think is of my favorite line from Inglorious Basterds:
This is perhaps one of the mental issues that go unrealized by returning vets. I don’t think I’m alone. There is something about being a Marine infantryman that turns down the volume on the rest of life. So very little seems serious. So when say, you are running into financial issues and you need to maybe panic so as to adorn yourself with the gravity of the situation, instead you just smile and carry out the plan of the day. This has caused a problem in my life. I’ve been entirely too happy on my own without such negativity pressed upon me(though it has its downsides of course) but I think I might need a Jiminy Cricket.
In other words, but for the occasional sobering moment (and damn if they don’t hit hard), I cannot stop smiling over the last year.
