Upon review I realized I allowed myself to get off-track with the intention of my previous post. Here’s my attempt to get back on track:
How have I been managing my grief? Well, the first thing I’ve had to come to accept is that managing my grief isn’t my top priority. That spot belongs to my little girl. I cannot shirk my duty to her. I’ve taken this time to play games with her, to take her to the park. I guess I would be lying if I said I didn’t take advantage of her affectionate nature and maybe ask for an extra hug here and there. How have I best coped? Well, with each, “I love you daddy” followed by an unprompted kiss on the cheek I take comfort that I’m performing my duty despite my grief. When we conduct ourselves with honor and dignity, we find a power in ourselves grows. Such honor cannot be found in the arms of a woman or a medal on our chest. It is something we find when we face ourselves at night as we brush our teeth and cannot avoid the mirror. I’ve managed because I take pride in the man in the mirror.
The battle is to stay moving. I may find myself to be a man of honor, but as a man who faces depression I’m aware of the ability to remain in a rut. This is by far the most depressed time of my life. Motion is key. I’ve spent too many days laying on my side on the couch in the dark watching television or playing video games. I’ve never found my satisfaction here and it stunts motion. I’ve found the best thing I can do is get up and take a shower. Then I put fresh, clean clothes on. This sounds simple, but it is not.
I have spent more time than usual playing violin. I’d be much happier if after 10 months of practice I could still play anything, but as of yet that just isn’t the case. Yet a good hour of practice a day helps. It has me moving. It has me concentrating.
I haven’t missed a scheduled day to the gym in over a month. While the numbers aren’t horribly impressive to an experienced lifter, deadlifting 265lbs, pressing 165lbs, and front squatting 145lbs (each for 5 sets of 5 reps) at 161 lbs of body weight isn’t something to take shame in. I’ve lost weight over the last month, but that is to be expected from the massive flood of stress hormones in my system. I’m getting strong, and that is all that matters.
So this friends, is the bottom line in grief management according to the Learned Sergeant. Move. Accept what you must, but fight hard where you can. Santiago, in Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea said it best, “A man can be destroyed, but not defeated.”
When in pain, be a man about it.
And as a reward for muscling through that, here is an outstanding cover of Phil Collins’s “In the Air Tonight” by Nonpoint:
