Let’s face it: I’m worried. My essays flat out suck and I’m averaging 65-70% on my MBE questions. I screwed up Rice a Roni for God’s sake. I’m getting agitated and losing my chill, which I have maintained quite well.
This does outline some weaknesses in my character. It isn’t so much the bar itself that is upsetting me. If I don’t pass the bar I’ll move on to the next thing and I’ll be fine. At this point my frustration is simple: I can’t accept being average. Ever. At anything.
And here, now, I have never worked so hard to be so markedly…mediocre. Outside of the Corps I have never worked this hard at anything. And I have no one, nothing, pushing me. The only man in the room is myself. And he’s always been my toughest critic, reminding me that I’m weak when I don’t work hard enough. It’s this near-religious fixation I have that demands me to be superhuman, and that the only way to get there is diligent effort. Even when my head tells me I’ll do better if I ease up and rest, I push the thought away and demand a doubling of effort. I’m not worried about what friends might think if I don’t pass. In fact, I’m pretty damn confident I’m going to pass. I’m going to pass and I’m going to be a damn fine lawsmith. But with this much effort I should be cool, calm, and easily passing. I shouldn’t be average. It isn’t what others think. It’s that son of a bitch in the mirror.
You know, I think I’m just tired. And I’m too damn foolish to give myself a break. And I’m even more foolish for taking pride in that. Then again, I’m just loopy at this point, what do I know?
