A happy night! Bonus! You get two videos!
Now..
Author: Hoplite0352 (Page 26 of 27)
I never met the man, but sometimes I feel like I actually knew Christopher Hitchens. He seems very tangible, like friends I have lost, but can still remember my time with.
Nights like tonight I get sad knowing he’s no longer with us. I feel a personal loss, and I feel like the entire world has changed; much like when Pluto was de-listed as a planet in our Solar System. Rational? Well, the Pluto thing isn’t rational. However, explanations don’t have to be rational to be real. Hitch was the Thomas Paine of our generation. Another chapter in the Age of Reason has ended.
Yesterday I listened to a lecture on corporate governance and the failures of the Dodd-Frank Act during an event put on by the Federalist Society. The lecture was given by Professor Charles Elson from the University of Deleware. Mind you corporate governance isn’t exactly something I spend a lot of time thinking about specifically, but there was one very interesting takeaway.
According to Professor Elson, the checks and oversight systems established by the Dodd-Frank Act created a paper tiger. The end result of this is that not only were the checks ineffective, but by following the oversight requirements of the Act, an affirmative defense was created for bad actors. Whereas before the Act there was a private course of action that could be levied against corporations, those same corporations can now point to the fact that they complied with the Act to protect them from punishment.
Like every kid in history, The Learned Daughter likes to play the “Why?” game. Not satisfied with the typical parent frustration, I try to play the game as far as I am able. Now, here’s where hopefully my skills as a dad will translate over to the law. And actual conversation if you will:
The Learned Daughter: Daddy, why are we getting a flyswatter?
The Learned Sergeant: Well sweetheart, because we need to kill some flies.
“Why?”
“Because the flies are annoying me.”
“Why?”
“Because they keep me up at night.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re loud.”
“Why?”
“Because their wings make a buzzing sound.”
“Why?”
“Because they flap them really fast.”
“Why?”
“Because if they didn’t they wouldn’t be able to fly.”
“Why?”
“Well sweetheart, it’s a matter of science beyond me, but I imagine it has to do with their weight versus the size of their wings.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s the way of the universe. It’s physics honey.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Why?”
“Because I haven’t read enough I guess.”
“Why?”
“Well, because I’m busy with school; but mostly because I’m lazy.”
“Why?”
“Well…”
…and I keep going until I literally cannot come up with anything. The Learned Daughter is not quite so patient when I try to turn it on her.
“Daddy, I don’t like bad dogs.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t like them.”
“Why?”
“I already told you! I don’t like them.”
Okay, if you survived this torturous post, you get a video. Congratulations! This one has some cussing. I think you can handle it though.
Well, today begins what is likely to be the last, first day of class for the Learned Sergeant.
Additionally, today was the first day of school for the little motivator. Without going into specifics, I must say that I enjoy the belligerence afforded me by a slight legal education. In these moments I find myself channeling my inner Jubal Harshaw and smiling.
There have been times in my life when I blushed at the enormous student loan debt and cynicism I found in law school. On those days I question whether law school was the worst decision of my life. But days like today when I can use my education to empower and protect those I love, well, they make up for it all.
One of the happy realizations that strike me from time to time is that 90% of the time my legal knowledge makes me the freest man in the room. I imagine the other 10% is owed to John Moses Browning and the 1911 on my hip.
…and I think I need to put in an extra 30 minutes of violin today.
Found in the parking lot at the mall:
This has been a few weeks coming. So here is the mission statement for the site:
Next fall I shall be beginning BAMCIS Legal. This is certainly open to change in the coming months, but it is my intention to be running a small solo practice within the Pacific Northwest. The main focus the practice will be in civil rights matters and I don’t anticipate becoming overly wealthy from it. Basically, I want to help YOU fight city hall. Our lives are daily influenced by men with badges and other agents of government. These agents are often poorly equipped to wield the power they carry. This can be due to simply being poorly vetted before being put into a position of power. More often it’s because no person should have the power over your life that these people carry. It is my goal to loose those shackles, or at the very least to serve as punisher to those who abuse power.
Clearly, much of what I’m going to discuss on this site will be matters you wouldn’t expect to hear from a lawyer, much less one who is allowing his practice to be known. I anticipate that this will hurt my business. Why do it then? It is important to me that anyone who accepts representation by me be well aware of the man who represents him. One of my concerns in going into the law was the mercenary way in which lawyers are used. The morality of this is pressed upon you from the first day of law school. There is no right or wrong, and both sides deserve fierce representation. The legal profession is replete with people starting off as consumer protection lawyers who then become corporate lawyers. It’s not uncommon to hear of a person beginning a career as a prosecutor then becoming a criminal defense attorney or vice-versa. I intend to start a solo practice so I can choose first whether a client’s position is ethical before accepting his business.
My life’s mission statement: fortune and glory. I intend to become wealthy because, well, then I can entertain all of my eccentricities. I have a philosophy for life, and I desire that philosophy to be heard. I believe in the power of the individual. Only be empowering each of us who prove ourselves worthy can we earn the ultimate glory for our species: eternal survival.
To that end, hopefully business will go beyond BAMCIS Legal into other ventures. BAMCIS Publishing? Sounds like a plan. And each of those will require customers. And as a matter of integrity I would want each of those customers to know the man and the ideas they support when they purchase a product from me, whether a widget or legal representation.
BAMCIS: The six troop leading steps as taught to United States Marines. Commonly used by said Marines as a sign of exaltation following a success in life.
Begin the Planning
Arrange Reconnaissance
Make Reconnaissance
Complete the Plan
Issue the Order
Supervise
Upon review I realized I allowed myself to get off-track with the intention of my previous post. Here’s my attempt to get back on track:
How have I been managing my grief? Well, the first thing I’ve had to come to accept is that managing my grief isn’t my top priority. That spot belongs to my little girl. I cannot shirk my duty to her. I’ve taken this time to play games with her, to take her to the park. I guess I would be lying if I said I didn’t take advantage of her affectionate nature and maybe ask for an extra hug here and there. How have I best coped? Well, with each, “I love you daddy” followed by an unprompted kiss on the cheek I take comfort that I’m performing my duty despite my grief. When we conduct ourselves with honor and dignity, we find a power in ourselves grows. Such honor cannot be found in the arms of a woman or a medal on our chest. It is something we find when we face ourselves at night as we brush our teeth and cannot avoid the mirror. I’ve managed because I take pride in the man in the mirror.
The battle is to stay moving. I may find myself to be a man of honor, but as a man who faces depression I’m aware of the ability to remain in a rut. This is by far the most depressed time of my life. Motion is key. I’ve spent too many days laying on my side on the couch in the dark watching television or playing video games. I’ve never found my satisfaction here and it stunts motion. I’ve found the best thing I can do is get up and take a shower. Then I put fresh, clean clothes on. This sounds simple, but it is not.
I have spent more time than usual playing violin. I’d be much happier if after 10 months of practice I could still play anything, but as of yet that just isn’t the case. Yet a good hour of practice a day helps. It has me moving. It has me concentrating.
I haven’t missed a scheduled day to the gym in over a month. While the numbers aren’t horribly impressive to an experienced lifter, deadlifting 265lbs, pressing 165lbs, and front squatting 145lbs (each for 5 sets of 5 reps) at 161 lbs of body weight isn’t something to take shame in. I’ve lost weight over the last month, but that is to be expected from the massive flood of stress hormones in my system. I’m getting strong, and that is all that matters.
So this friends, is the bottom line in grief management according to the Learned Sergeant. Move. Accept what you must, but fight hard where you can. Santiago, in Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea said it best, “A man can be destroyed, but not defeated.”
When in pain, be a man about it.
And as a reward for muscling through that, here is an outstanding cover of Phil Collins’s “In the Air Tonight” by Nonpoint:
I had been hesitant to mention this for a variety of reasons, but have instead decided to face this head on. A fair portion of the mission of this project is to share my philosophy on life with the world. I would hope any future clients would know the man they have hired to represent them in court or to trust to meet a deadline for a writing project. I feel I would be negligent to pass on a topic as important as this. I will soon post a full mission statement, but I think this is a topic whose time has come.
My wife divorced me about a month ago. I hold no hatred toward her, but I believe it to be a mistake and has put me in the darkest point in my life. I’ve survived two wars, been disowned by my parents, and lost more than a few friends violently. I never would expect something like a divorce to be able to lay me so low. In fact, it was my expectation that I would settle into a new normal within two weeks or so. Yet, I stand well over a month typing away at 0315 on a Sunday night/Monday morning, the Ambien failing for yet another night to put me to sleep.
Why did she leave me? Well, I would imagine both of our explanations would differ. We fought. We did not make time for each other. We took each other for granted. We both became lazy and unproductive. And, as one could expect, there was another man in the picture to take the pressure off for her. We allowed the stress of parenthood and simple grown-up responsibilities to turn us against each other.
I’ve learned an exceptional amount from this. For that I should be grateful. I’ve learned about the power of denial and I’ve learned who my true friends are to name a few. Something I’ve found very interesting is the foolish power of the mind and the self-destructive nature of testosterone fueled creatures. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. No, that wouldn’t be accurate; I believe urges would be the right word. Now, mind you I would never engage in suicide. Worry not my friends. I believe suicide to be a cowardly act. In my case, I have a little girl who I would deprive of her father. I hold my honor in the highest esteem and to forgo my duty to my daughter would be perhaps the most vile thing I could do.
But here I sit with these urges. In my more lucid moments I’ve always said that were I the type to do something of the sort I’d first grab a rifle and do some good in the world until someone succeeded in stopping me. Yet that urge isn’t there. It’s a very here and now, reach under the bed and end it all kind of feeling. Why am I feeling this? It goes against every bit of intellect and feeling I had prior to having the feeling. I always have said, and actually at this moment still feel that life is so incredibly beautiful that I couldn’t imagine ending it. Were I feeling too bad I always assumed I could crack a book, look at a painting or listen to some Simon and Garfunkel and pull myself back from the precipice. I mean, how could you end your life while midway listening to “The Boxer”? But despite the recognition of beauty, the urge is there.
So, what brings the urge? In part I think it’s the fear of mentioning it. We refrain from admitting our urges, lest we be judged by them. We don’t tell the person we find so annoying to leave us be. We don’t tell our significant other about our more unusual sexual triggers. We keep our prejudices tightly sealed and deal with those that make us uncomfortable. This makes us feel trapped, removing options, removing our liberty to be our full selves. In this case I have so conditioned my body to avoid tears that even in my privacy I can barely squeeze one out, never being able to let go enough for the desperately needed endorphines that come from crying. I cannot release my sadness or rage, or else I wake up my friends and force people to deal with my problems. Selfish indeed.
But there are the simple physical triggers. The crushing pain in my chest I figured would be gone within a week. Yet, again, here it is, preventing me from sleeping. When I sleep I awake 4-5 times a night and am met again with the panic and pain from having lost something so valuable.
So friends, the point of this post: how to deal with grief.
Well, for starters I’m sitting behind a keyboard listening to Godsmack. I acknowledge that the saying is that time heals all things. Foolishly, I’m going to say that isn’t going to work here. I’ve never felt the rules of the universe applied to me personally, nor to my relationship with my ex-wife. I’ve come to accept being single is in my future and I’m embracing it. This is a unique opportunity to accomplish things that I’d put off in the name of being a good husband. In some ways, it’s pretty exciting! Despite my severe grief over this I maintain my usual optimism and expect 2012 to be one of the best years of my life. It is my deepest hope to regain the heart of my ex, but there is little I can control in that regard, so I manage my grief some by just accepting that there are things I can’t control. This is hard for me. I try to control everything.
I’ve managed grief by talking to good friends well more than they deserve to have to listen to me complain. I managed the grief at the beginning with anger. I said that my ex was crazy and I sacrificed too much for this relationship for it to fall apart. That actually worked pretty well. The problem is, that I married her because I loved her. It’s hard to hate someone you love. Eventually you have to listen to them. Even if you don’t agree with them, you have to understand what they’re thinking in order to have things make sense. That is where I was the day before yesterday. That is the hard part. At some point we have to accept our own responsibility and humble ourselves rather than try to protect ourselves. Only by humbly recognizing our mistakes can we grow stronger and learn from them. I learned that I have a terrible habit of projection. If I considered her my Dagny Taggart, clearly she felt that love regardless of what I said or did. Well, it doesn’t exactly work that way.
I’ve learned a lot about jealousy. I expected that her sleeping with her new boyfriend would be what set me off. While the concept hurts me, it isn’t what keeps me up. I had an incredible woman who made me feel like the greatest man on earth. It was the way she looked at me and the way she talked to me that hurts. It’s the fact that all of those incredible things are being said to another man. The idea that she would take that esteem and love and bestow it to someone else that keeps me up. It scares me. And most of all, it makes me feel as I will never recover her.
It is now almost 0400 and I feel my eyelids actually drooping. Perhaps the Ambien IS kicking in. I will attempt to continue this tomorrow.
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