I’ve got a habit of looking back a lot. High School, the Marines, my marriage, college, whatever. I look back a lot and find myself missing much of the past. Yet, despite that fact I have never failed to always believe that the future will bring with it better days. Even on those times where I’ve felt so bad as to have suicidal thoughts, they’ve never been serious and has always been a reflection on present pain, not future hopelessness. The future has always been exciting.
Friday I turned 32. As is the case I found myself reflecting on my life, and the this last, most turbulent year. Turning on Sirius Lithium, 90’s alt rock didn’t help. This has been the hardest year of my young life. Over the course of the last year my ex-wife left me. The last few months were rough, but I adored her. I suppose were I not so naive I may have been able to see it coming, but I didn’t. I nearly shut down. I had suicidal thoughts then (again, never with any serious intent to act upon them), but even so always felt my future would be brighter than my past. I suppose you can’t keep a good dog down. I dumped myself financially, attempting to rebuild my life and my feelings. I moved 4 times. I battled my way through law school. I struggled though bar prep. I’ve completed my first week as a lawyer.
My future will be brighter than my past, and damn if I haven’t had past I should take some pride in. I’m still young, younger than many people in their early 20’s. I still feel like I’m a kid. In part this is because I’m in denial of my age. Now there are two forms of age denial: active and passive. Passive denial is simply putting your head in the sand. This is gonna catch up with you. Active denial is what I practice. It’s simply hard living. So long as I keep pushing, keep growing, keep moving, I’ll stay young until death. I have no intention of ever slowing down.
But again, it’s been a tough year. I’m damn lonely. I feel like a deployed Marine all over again. I feel disconnected from everyone around me. For my birthday I had dinner with my brother, then came home, smoked hookah by myself and so help me, talked to cam girls all night for the first time. I’m a different person than I was a year ago. I’ve dated girls, but never seem to want to keep them around seriously. I just want to get back to feeling for someone the way I did for my ex-wife. It just doesn’t happen though, no matter how pretty, intelligent, or nice a girl I meet is. I think sometime I will get around to it again, but I’m not sure I’m made of the stuff to be that guy right now, no matter how bad I desire it. But as with most things I have this unshakable excitement and belief that there are such better days to come, with or without a girl in my life.
Why am I so excited about the future? Well, I’m not sure. I think it’s simply because I like the person I am and insist that I keep growing. Maybe I’m just a pollyanna. Butmostly it is simply that I’m excited about being alive. This year I have been given a blank slate with which to start over. How often are we given such opportunity? And the direction I’m headed, I’ve got no brakes, no excuse for mediocrity. I can hardly contain the excitement with the man that will be checking in this time next year.
