The concept of permanence is rather troubling to me. I need to know that something is permanent. This, I believe, is a very close tie-in between thinkers like myself, and your more religious types. They (mostly) hold onto the idea that souls are immortal and we will find ourselves in heaven, valhalla, whatever, following our departure from this mortal coil.
Now, I personally do not ascribe to that belief. I think when we die, we die, and we come apart, continuing the circle of life. We came from star stuff only to return to star stuff. But, as with most things, I think along larger time lines. Again, I need something to be permanent. I talk of my politics as playing the long game where we leave this planet and our species survives forever, beyond even the death and rebirth of the universe. If there is no chance for anything to be permanent, then I see no reason to care about any of this. There is no reason to set an example with my life, or to even preserve our species another day. I am a selfish man. It is just that my utmost desire is permanence for our species, so my selfishness can be misconstrued as altruism.
I loved, no, strike that, I adored my ex wife. Still do. However, she is gone. She has been for a few weeks shy of 2 years at this point. Gone, and remarried. Now, I have adapted as necessary, but I don’t believe I’ve adapted terribly well. One of the hardest parts to deal with was the acceptance of the transitory nature of love. One day I was told she loved me, the next that she wanted a divorce, her kind words going instead to a former friend. Permanence indeed.
Now, I cannot control another human being, but I can control myself. I still love my ex-wife, though sometimes I have to ask myself why. It has crippled my ability to create good close relationships with other women. I could not control her. Indeed, I’m convinced my active desire to not control her was a large part of the downfall of the relationship. But, I can control myself. And in controlling myself and pushing women aside I can tell myself that something is permanent: my love for my ex-wife.
I’ve spoken at length about the issue of awareness. Once a person has become aware of a problem, he is then in full control as to what he does in response to the problem. At this point I think I’m nearing a place where I need to recognize my need for permanence, but to accept that perhaps the best course of action is to seek permanence elsewhere. Perhaps by disconnecting from the permanence of the love for my ex-wife I will find nothing permanent in this life. But by the same token, fortune favors the brave, and what joy is there in seeking permanence in something you can no longer have?
You may ask, “Why is this post in the Legal Blog?”. Well, about half of my practice relates to family law. What I have found so interesting about dealing with family law is that sometimes the lawyer’s most important job is managing the hearts and minds of their own client as well as that opposing party. These are emotional issues that people deal with, and at times the best thing an attorney can do is tell someone things they are not ready to come across by themselves yet. They sabotage their case through a lack of awareness, and perhaps by the overzealousness of their attorney who is enflaming and endorsing their hatred.
Be wary of the lawyer that wants to take everything to the mat. Sometimes it’s better to let that $300 television go than to spend $400 on legal fees to save it. Sometimes it’s better to bite your tongue and give up 2-3 days of extra custody each year than to have your child have to watch her parents go through a 6 month long nasty divorce. Yet for others, perhaps you need to spend that extra time drawing things out into a nasty fight. I see it with women especially. Sometimes, women need to put up a fight for their own growth and to begin to learn their own value as humans, especially in relationships where they’ve been abused or have lived as the submissive housewife.
The point is that every person is unique. We all have unique needs. We are all in different places in our lives which have their own set of challenges and advantages. When you hire a lawyer, you need one you can trust to see you as a person rather than a dollar sign. You need a lawyer who adapts to your case rather than simply going through the traditional motions of trial prep.
In other news, I went to see this guy at the Alley the other night. Great show. It was also one of the few times I’ve ever been in a bar so packed I couldn’t drink for want of space to be able to lift my glass of Turkey.